The (re) turn of the screw 2 by Miles and Flora (with some assistance
from Miss Jessel)
As the years encroached upon its
Defending walls, Bly Manor took
To the fields, hoping that its hoard
Of secrets would be safe there. It
Did not welcome uninvited guests;
The spectacled antiquarians who
Pored over crumbling maps in old
Libraries and tried to sneak in via
The tradesmans’ entrance. A few
Flashing lights, thuds and judicious
Groaning saw them off. But ghost
Hunters were a twenty-first century
Nightmare. A TV crew had Bly
Manor besieged for its new show
‘Haunted Hang-Outs’; the servants’
Hall was abuzz with gossip; its
Green baize door thudded in the
Wind of rumour and fires guttered
In twig-crammed chimneys. The
Mildewed curtains bowed like tired
Shoulders with the worry of it and
Plaster ceilings hovered protectively
Over empty rooms. Moths fluttered
Skittishly as tapestries billowed in
The breeze, while Death Watch
Beetles knocked warning messages
Through secret passages. The
Uproar woke the resident spectres:
The Grey Lady went an even
Whiter shade of pale; whilst the
Mad Monk had to be placed in a
Straitjacket and confined to the
Dungeons and the Headless
Horseman lost it and went on
A bender in the wine-cellar. His
Wild Hunt trashed ‘The Highwayman’
And were banned for life. But not
All the denizens of Bly Manor were
Disturbed by the news. Some of
Them had moved with the times.
Quint, the shady valet, (well-known
To Mr James) and Miss Jessel, the
Ghostly Governess, besides her
Charges, Miles and Flora, were all
In need of some excitement and
Enjoyed melodrama in the nursery.
Samplers and pothooks did not
Suffice. Thus a new plot was hatched
And the filmcrew was invited to tea
On headed paper, in elegant script.
At first, it was taken for a hoax
And the director, Tony Timberlake
Threw a hissy fit and yelled ‘Haven’t
These spooks heard of email? It’s
The Twenty First Century, for crying
Out loud!’ He calmed down after a
Brandy, proffered by Gemma, his
PA and some Valium (don’t ask).
Acceptance was duly sent and the
Team set off on the appointed day
With all their phantom-hunting
Paraphernalia, tested and ready.
A smiling Quint greeted them at
Bly Manor’s imposing entrance and
They were ushered to the Yellow
Library, where Miss Jessel, in her
Black silk, and Miles and Flora,
Starched in Sunday best, poured
Tea and proffered cakes, on their
Best behaviour. Yes, they were a
Little shadowy in form and outline
But they were in tune with CBeebies,
Netflix and aufait with Roblox and
The Kardashians. The children did
Their party-pieces; Flora lip-synched
With Lady Gaga and Miles did a
Freestyle rap. ‘Aren’t ghosts meant
To groan and stuff?’ asked Tony
‘And haven’t you got poltergeists
here? They really connect with
Viewers!’ ‘I hear that’ replied Miss
Jessel, sweetly, ‘but Miles and Flora
Outgrew that phase about eighty years
Ago, didn’t you children?’ ‘Yes’ said
Miles ‘It was like, lame; everyone
Knew it was us anyway.’ ‘We’ve seen
All those ghost movies’ piped up Flora
But they made us feel rather stereotyped,
Didn’t they, Miss Jessel? We much prefer
Films like ‘The Others’ which portray us
In a more holistic light. I said so in a
Tweet to Greta Thunberg only the other
Day. You should follow my Insta
@ghostsarepeopletoo’. ‘Thank you,
Flora’ Miss Jessel added ‘By the way,
Pas devant les enfants, we don’t
Use the G-word. We say ‘differently
Dead’. It was a done deal after that,
With toasts drunk in port and contracts
Signed. Now Bly Manor is haunted by
Tourists and has a new lease of life:
As a themepark. Its erstwhile residents
Are back from the dead, feted as celebrities
And social influencers. Miles is dating
Kelly Osborne, Flora now identifies as
‘They’; her new song ‘Born Dead This Way’
Topped the international charts. Miss
Jessel is a supermodel (never eats or gets
Tired) and Grint has set up his own drill
Label ‘Turn of the Screw You’. The Grey
Lady is making a packet from ‘Cruelty
Free Corpse Cosmetics’, the Mad Monk
Is on an extended yoga retreat, the
Headless Horseman is studying equine
Therapy and the Wild Hunt have formed
A charity called ‘Save the Undead Badgers.’
Filming for their Christmas Special ‘Bly
Manor does Downton Abbey’ starts soon.
After all, ‘Dead doesn’t mean gone’; it’s
Rather a case of Netflix and chills…
Kate Meyer-Currey moved to Devon in 1973. A varied career in frontline settings has fuelled her interest in gritty urbanism, contrasted with a rural upbringing. Her first chapbook County Lines (Dancing Girl Press) comes out this Autumn. Her second Cuckoo’s Nest (Contraband Books) is due in February 2022.
Parhelion 